How To Get That Raise

You know how it is when you go out to lunch with your boss to ask him for a raise, right? You do? Good. So then you know how it is when he asks you how much you want and you answer him, citing multiple great reasons why you should get this raise, backing it up with statistics and facts. I mean, you're just asking for market value -- nothing crazy here. I understand you know all of this already, but I'm just thinking this through. So you've been in this exact same position before? Good. Then it would be no surprise to you when your boss agrees that you have totally been working your ass off, but when you said how much of a raise you wanted, you should have asked for more money. Then, since this situation is not hypothetical in the least -- my boss says, "But I'm not going to give you a raise". Yeah, that's right. You're doing such a great job, you should have asked for more money - (no pause) - but I'm not going to give you a raise. Gets better every time I hear it.

Since I work at a shite job with a bunch of marketing ass-clowns, I asked for a couple other things: telecommuting options and flexible work hours. These things would help me not completely hate where I work any longer. I was given a big "no" to flex hours, based on past experience he's had at Intel. He doesn't believe allowing someone to decide when they want to get work done in the office will ever make people productive. Those Intel jackasses couldn't handle the responsibility 10 years ago, why should you be able to now? When I started talking about morale, I got a bunch of furrowed eyebrows. The whole, "What the hell you talkin' bout boy?" attitude. Now, P & L tables they (as a collective) can understand. Morale isn't a consideration. Oh, and instead of trying to come in to work later, it was suggested (not lightly) that I should just have my wife assume her womanly duties and care for the children while I brought home the bacon. You know, me being the breadwinner and all.

Telecommuting was shut down too. This would obviously ruin the fabric of this tightly knit group of people I work with. Our little work "family" would totally begin to crumble and we just can't have that. When I suggested that my 3 hours spent on a bus commuting to work and home every day could be better spent in front of a computer in my nice cozy home office, he had a better suggestion for me. A counter-suggestion, if you will.

My boss said I should sell the house and move closer to work. "That way", he continued, "your commute would be very short. You could even stay later and still get home at the same time you do now!"

He seemed very excited over this prospect. Apparently, several other co-workers of mine have taken him up on this suggestion and did exactly that. Not finished spouting pearls of managerial wisdom, he also suggested I buy another vehicle so I'm not commuting on the bus every day.

"But my family can't afford a second car payment", I respond. My Jeep was stolen, and no second vehicle has yet been purchased.

"Ah-Ha!", he exclaims, "that's my point exactly. If you were to buy a second car, you could come in to work earlier and stay later. You work harder, get paid more, and can afford a second car payment. That way, you can spend more time at work and have a shorter commute. Don't you see how that will give you more time to spend with your family?"

Blood and drool began to pool up on the table in front of me. I did not see how that kind of circular logic could help me. Any kind of argument would sound like a personal attack against this guy. So, telecommuting and flex hours are out. I wasn't going to let the raise go though. I finally got an agreement to take a look at the numbers over the last 6 months to decide how much of a raise they could give me.

The lesson here is: don't work for this company. Also, when your boss says he's not going to give you a raise, argue the shit out of that.