I'm Back, Biatch

Kansas was as expected and we stayed the appropriate amount of time there. Any longer and we would have officially lost our lids. I'm not shy on blog-type material, but I need to break the Kansas trip down in to a few separate parts over as many days. Now for the first part of the trip.

Saturday morning, we got ourselves to the airport with loads of spare time. This is good, since I knew security checks were going to blow. Plus, I always want to get out of the house a standard 10 minutes early on any morning, so that I have the opportunity to pick up coffee made by someone that's not me. I get excited by that, but only in a semi-weird way.

Violet's friend, Stacie, stayed the night at our house and then drove us out to the airport in the morning. Sky-cap is the best thing ever invented at an airport. The best. We sky-capped the bags out front and gratefully stuffed the guys' hand with cash tip. We don't fool around with tipping convenience. We headed straight for the security gates. The Portland International security gate is filled with propaganda flat-screen video to burn your eyeballs. The screens kept looping thru reasons why you are already a suspected terrorist and why you should be happy we're even allowing you in this fancy airport we got here. Each announcement would be followed by the display of the Seal of the Patriot Act; thus completing the sensation of being pummeled by fear -- but safe! Removing your shoes is no longer an option for air travelers. It's a requirement. Violet was wearing a baby front-pack with Cannon snuggled safely inside. One security person told her she would have to remove her "holster" before stepping thru the security gate. Holster? It carries a baby. I made sure to plant plenty of snide remarks without crossing the line and being horse-whipped by the airport Gestapo.

The greatest thing at the airport: Sky-Cap
The donkey sucking-est thing at the airport: Shoeless Security Checks

Once we got thru that, it was a simple matter of getting down to our gate and waiting in line until boarding began. While waiting, I made a stop over at the coffee stand to drink one last cup of good joe before heading off to Kansas. Snob or not, I knew the best I was getting for the next several days was going to be Maxwell House with flavor crystals. I felt like living it up one last time.

We were flying Southwest, which doesn't board passengers as much as they do herd them on. It's "cattle call" seating, so you just wait for your section to be called (A, B, or C) and then you hop on board and sit wherever. The nice thing about traveling with small children is they seat you first no matter what section you've drawn. We get on the plane and in the air without incident. Mia was really excited about flying again (her 3rd round-trip plane ride), and Cannon is sleeping. The problems started about 3 hours in to the flight when we were beginning to make our final decent. I began talking to Mia about the need to sit in her seat and buckle up so we could land. Airplane rules being very adamant about that kind of thing. She wasn't having it one bit. I tried being nice and then tried bribing her. When that didn't work, I threatened her with a time-out. When that didn't work either and we were just a few minutes from landing in Kansas City, I picked her up, stuck her in her seat, and buckled her in. That's about the time when she began screaming like she was being attacked by wolves. She screamed and I tried to calm her down, but there was going to be none of that. After enduring as much as I could, I finally just gave in by plucking her out of her seat and putting her in my lap. FAA be damned. I just wanted to hold my little girl and make her feel better. It worked. She immediately stopped screaming and just held on tight while we touched down on the tarmac and rolled in to the gate.

Later, on our way to pick up our rental car, two people who had been on the same flight and were sharing the rental car shuttle with us commented, " ...oh, she's the screamer, right?". Yeah, she was the screamer. One thing that was unexpected in the situation was how I wasn't embarrassed or concerned for anyone else on that airplane during the whole screaming event. My only concern the entire time was for my little girl and trying to do the best thing for her. It was something that surprised me since I thought for sure I would be all embarrassed about what my kid is doing in a close public space. For normal situations when the kid is just acting like a jackass, then it's true. But when your kid is just scared -- it's a completely different story. Just so as you know: those people with the kids on the plane could give two poos about what is bothering you when their kid is scared out of their wits and screaming. Bill Hicks kept coming to mind the whole flight. "If you're allowed to bring your kids on a plane, then I should be allowed to smoke. Okay?"

We got our rental car and out of Kansas City. We had a 5 and-a-half hour drive ahead of us and wouldn't reach our destination until nearly midnight - Kansas time. As we headed east towards Dodge City, we passed a huge billboard on the highway outside Kansas City. It read, "Accept Jesus Christ as your savior or regret it forever". We paraphrased that sign for the next hour and laughed about our heathen ways in our blue state. We stopped at Sonic for some grub right outside Wichita and then tried to avoid the deer carcasses on the road in to Dodge City. It was a Doom-like blood bath on the highway. Even the deer in Kansas can't stand it any longer and begin walking out in to traffic.

When we got in to Dodge, Mia was in full show-off crazy dancing-and-singing mode for the grandparents. It was awesome to be done with the all-day travel bonanza and hitting the sack that night felt great.