The Great Truth
Last week, my Grandmother ("Grandma Great") died. It didn't happen suddenly or anything, since we all knew it was her time and the way she was in the last few days told her family that her struggle was going to be over any day. She was a wonderful lady and I am glad I had the pleasure of knowing her as well as I did. I am also thankful that my oldest child, Mia, had a great loving relationship with her. However, this fact made it difficult when we were presented with the task of telling Mia about her Great Grandma's passing. The memorial service was yesterday, so over last weekend we began collecting information over the web and at the library about the best way to tell a child about death.
Most, if not all of the literature we found regarding children and explaining death talked about being straightforward. Don't use any euphemisms or descriptions that might be misleading, like don't say the person "went to sleep and didn't wake up" or "got sick and died" or even "they went on the final journey". Kids aren't going to be able to make the distinction between these vague ideas of dying and what really happened.
When I sat down to talk with Mia earlier in the week, I told her that Grandma was very old and even though the doctors tried their best to keep Grandma alive, she ended up dying. I asked her if she knew what that meant. She looked up at me sadly and said, "It means I can't see Grandma anymore". I told her that was true and then we talked a little more about how it was her body that isn't alive any more since it stopped living. She told me that she understood that we will all die, but she isn't going to die any time soon. Grandma was 83, and she lived a very full and long life. We all hope to be around that long. Overall, things went well with the discussion on death, and we concluded by agreeing if Mia had any questions at all about it, she could ask us at any time.
Yesterday, we made the trip out to Sheridan, Oregon to pay our respects. I agreed to be a pallbearer for the casket, so we got there a bit early to get organized. We sat in the 3rd row in the church during the ceremony. Mia sat next to me, occasionally asking questions. She saw the casket right up front and asked where Grandma Great was. I told her she was in the box. She thought about this and then asked why we had put Grandma in the box. I told her it was so her family and friends could say goodbye to her one last time. She replied, "It's kinda small. I don't think she could fit inside". I reminded her that Grandma was a pretty little old lady.
At the end of the service, they opened the casket to allow everyone to pay their respects on the way out the door. As we waited, Mia could see Grandma's head inside the casket and I took the opportunity to tell her about what was happening. She asked if she could go up and see Grandma, and I told her yes, but we would go up together. Mia stared at the casket for a few minutes, processing everything. Then she looked at me and whispered, "Daddy, I think it's only her head in there". Biting back a grin, I assured her that ALL of Grandma's body was inside. She persisted with, "All of her? Even her legs?". Yes, it was all there. I don't think she believed me.
When it was our turn, we walked up together and Mia checked everything out. Grandma's body didn't really look like Grandma anymore, which was weird. I tried to gauge how Mia was taking it all. She seemed content and we began walking towards the exit when she said, "Daddy, her legs aren't in there". We walked back to take a look. The front half of the casket was open, but the lower part wasn't, so it did indeed appear as if only 50% of Grandma made it in. Again, I assured her that the rest of Grandma was under the rest of the box and she would just have to trust me on this one.
After my duties as a pallbearer were over, we went to DQ for some chicken strips and ice cream. Yup.
Today is Mia's 4th birthday, so Happy Birthday to my sweet Mia monkey. The hula-themed party is tomorrow and then the crazy-pink-little-girl-bowling-and-ballerina party is on Sunday. w00 w00!!
Most, if not all of the literature we found regarding children and explaining death talked about being straightforward. Don't use any euphemisms or descriptions that might be misleading, like don't say the person "went to sleep and didn't wake up" or "got sick and died" or even "they went on the final journey". Kids aren't going to be able to make the distinction between these vague ideas of dying and what really happened.
When I sat down to talk with Mia earlier in the week, I told her that Grandma was very old and even though the doctors tried their best to keep Grandma alive, she ended up dying. I asked her if she knew what that meant. She looked up at me sadly and said, "It means I can't see Grandma anymore". I told her that was true and then we talked a little more about how it was her body that isn't alive any more since it stopped living. She told me that she understood that we will all die, but she isn't going to die any time soon. Grandma was 83, and she lived a very full and long life. We all hope to be around that long. Overall, things went well with the discussion on death, and we concluded by agreeing if Mia had any questions at all about it, she could ask us at any time.
Yesterday, we made the trip out to Sheridan, Oregon to pay our respects. I agreed to be a pallbearer for the casket, so we got there a bit early to get organized. We sat in the 3rd row in the church during the ceremony. Mia sat next to me, occasionally asking questions. She saw the casket right up front and asked where Grandma Great was. I told her she was in the box. She thought about this and then asked why we had put Grandma in the box. I told her it was so her family and friends could say goodbye to her one last time. She replied, "It's kinda small. I don't think she could fit inside". I reminded her that Grandma was a pretty little old lady.
At the end of the service, they opened the casket to allow everyone to pay their respects on the way out the door. As we waited, Mia could see Grandma's head inside the casket and I took the opportunity to tell her about what was happening. She asked if she could go up and see Grandma, and I told her yes, but we would go up together. Mia stared at the casket for a few minutes, processing everything. Then she looked at me and whispered, "Daddy, I think it's only her head in there". Biting back a grin, I assured her that ALL of Grandma's body was inside. She persisted with, "All of her? Even her legs?". Yes, it was all there. I don't think she believed me.
When it was our turn, we walked up together and Mia checked everything out. Grandma's body didn't really look like Grandma anymore, which was weird. I tried to gauge how Mia was taking it all. She seemed content and we began walking towards the exit when she said, "Daddy, her legs aren't in there". We walked back to take a look. The front half of the casket was open, but the lower part wasn't, so it did indeed appear as if only 50% of Grandma made it in. Again, I assured her that the rest of Grandma was under the rest of the box and she would just have to trust me on this one.
After my duties as a pallbearer were over, we went to DQ for some chicken strips and ice cream. Yup.
Today is Mia's 4th birthday, so Happy Birthday to my sweet Mia monkey. The hula-themed party is tomorrow and then the crazy-pink-little-girl-bowling-and-ballerina party is on Sunday. w00 w00!!
2 Comments:
At 12:30 PM,
The Hamzinger said…
Here's the reason I don't have kids: I would've told her, "Well, there's gonna be 2 legs off a little girl in there for sure if you keep up that lip." That'd learn her.
Sorry to hear 'bout the loss, tho'. It's never exactly "easy" to deal with, kids or no.
At 3:47 PM,
divebarwife said…
My little nephew was quite perplexed about the exact same thing...where were grandpa's legs?
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